The Power of Not-Knowing

 

I think it's much more interesting to live not knowing

 than to have answers which might be wrong. 

- Richard P. Feynman -

 

Have you ever noticed that sometimes what you know about someone gets in the way of your being kind?

Perhaps:

• they did something that you don’t approve of, and you can’t let go of it in your mind,

• you made an assumption about them based on the way they first showed up in your life,

• they belong to a political party that you don’t like, so you just know that you could never trust them.

It’s interesting to pay attention to the different ways that I decide who to be kind to and who to avoid. Often it has to do with assumptions that I have made.

Approaching anyone with not-knowing means putting aside the ideas that I hold in my mind and realizing that I don’t know enough about them to judge them fairly. It means that if I knew why they were showing up the way they are right now, I would understand, and I would not judge them so harshly. I would choose to be kind.

This all goes back to remembering who I choose to be in the world. I choose to be kind, not just to do kind things. That is my aspiration, not the automatic reality in my day-to-day activities. I need ways to help my rational mind to accept this rather challenging assignment.

Remembering to see everyone through the not-knowing lens has helped me in several situations where I had strong judgments.

Now, I just assume that if I knew the person’s life story, I would have compassion for them rather than the judgments that jump so easily into my mind. I see them through my not-knowing lens.

This decision arose, in part, out of several experiences with people who are often judged and excluded in our community because of assumptions that people make about them. As my husband, Larry, and I got to know some homeless folks, we heard the stories of their life journeys, and compassion replaced any judgments.

 Sometimes, the way someone looks is a trigger for our assumptions. If someone is dressed in shabby clothing with dirty, worn shoes, we may see a person who is poor, too lazy to work, living on our tax money, maybe on drugs. It’s enough to avoid them.

At the other end of the wealth spectrum, a man in a very expensive suit and shoes who drives a high-end car triggers judgments that he spends his money on frivolous things for himself, rather than paying his fair share of taxes or donating that money to organizations that help less advantaged people.

When people from nicer areas of town drive past a trailer park and see people outside, often they assume that they have less value than other people have. That attitude has long been expressed by the ugly term “trailer trash,” as if financial means equals value as a human being.

So many triggers snap us into our judgment mode – a group of teenagers of another race hanging out on a street corner and “acting suspicious”, a drug addict looking spaced out, a man with a mental disability walking by us, muttering out loud

There are so many situations that may trigger our judgments of people whom we see as others. But just how different are they from us? If we had been born into their family and had to walk their life journey, where would we be now. We wouldn’t even be who we are today, because life experience helps to shape us.

Who would we be? How would we handle all the challenges that they have faced from childhood that helped to determine who they are today. We can’t even say, “Oh, if that were me, I would …” You wouldn’t be who you are today, so you don’t know what you would do.

This all brings us back to not-knowing as the way to move with grace and kindness in this world. It does not mean to put yourself in dangerous situations. I always check in with my intuition before entering an unfamiliar situation. But I invite you to experiment with the not-knowing mindset the next time you would normally avoid someone. Trust your intuition, and with practice, you’ll be able to tell the difference between inner guidance and your over-active self-protective ego speaking.

I consider this a fun journey, learning more about myself and other people as I go. I invite you to give it a try. It will expand your world and, maybe, lead you to some new friends. It did for us.

That is our wish for you. Enjoy your journey.

     Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay

Please leave a comment below and share any insights that you gained from this message.

 

Help us spread the message of kindness. If you know others who might appreciate these ideas, please share below.

We’re grateful that you are on this journey with us.

With love from our hearts to yours,

Pat and Larry