Revolutionary Love in Response to Hatred
This may be the world's only hope for peace:
that all of us, brothers and sisters and strangers alike,
understand we meet as guests together in 'God's own tent.'
- Sister Marilyn Lacey –
Balbir Singh Sodhi was the first person killed in the wave of thousands of acts of hatred that followed the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center. The victims were people who resembled, in some way, the men who attacked our country, as if guilt for a personal action can be spread to all others of a similar religion or country or physical appearance. People who looked like “others” became the enemy.
The tragic irony is that Balbir was a man of peace, whose Sikh religion instructed him to live with love, compassion and forgiveness. But out of this tragedy, also, came a gift to the world.
Valarie Kaur was deeply affected, at the age of 20, by the murder of the man she called Uncle. Years later, her son was born at a time when hate crimes were higher than any time since 9/11. She had to deal with the fact that he was growing up in a country more dangerous for him than the one she had been given.
Fifteen years after the murder of Balbir Singh Sodi, Valarie and Balbir’s brother, Rana, got permission to visit his murderer in prison. Although she thought it would be impossible to forgive the man who took her uncle from her, after meeting him and hearing of his deep regret for his actions, she was able to forgive.
That experience helped Valarie to get clarity on the next step in her life journey. She founded The Revolutionary Love Project. As a member of the Sikh religion, she believes in the power of love as a force for justice, and she realizes that her vision of love would be seen as revolutionary by most of the world.
Her experiences demonstrated the viability of revolutionary love, and she wanted others to experience its power. She also saw this as a necessary path to the more peaceful, tolerant world that she envisioned for the future.
The Revolutionary Love Project.
Valarie created The Revolutionary Love Compass to illustrate what a life guided by the path of revolutionary love would include. (See above) She describes the compass in this way:
The inner ring of the compass (wonder, rage, breathe) contains internal actions, where transformation happens primarily within one’s own mind and body.
The middle ring (grieve, listen, push) contains interpersonal actions, where transformation happens in relationship with other people.
The outer ring (fight, reimagine, transition) is made up of social actions, where transformation happens within the context of a community.
All three levels of transformation—internal, interpersonal, and social—are engaged in the labor of revolutionary love.
Step 1 – Loving Others – Wonder, Grieve, Fight
Valarie spent several years in service to people who were seen by our society as “others.” As a civil rights attorney and award-winning filmmaker, she became part of a generation of advocates working with communities of people who were often seen as dangerous or not-to-be-trusted because they were different.
Her work enabled her to wonder about people who were marginalized, to listen to their stories and to fight for their rights. She was determined to show the world the humanity of those who were targeted for exclusion or even violence.
"Seeing no stranger begins in wonder. It is to look upon the face of anyone and choose to say: You are a part of me I do not yet know. It is the wellspring for love.
Who we wonder about determines whose stories we hear and whose joy and pain we share. Those we grieve with, those we sit with and weep with, are ultimately those we organize with and advocate for.
When a critical mass of people come together to wonder about one another, grieve with one another, and fight with and for one another, we begin to build the solidarity needed for collective liberation and transformation—a solidarity rooted in love."
Step 2 – Loving Opponents – Rage, Listen, Reimagine
It took Valarie 15 years to get past her rage and hatred, to be able to meet, and eventually to forgive the man who killed Balbir. Then, by listening to him, she and Rana were able to see his humanity and to see how wounded he was.
Valarie describes her inner journey to forgiveness:
"Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is freedom from hate. Because when we are free from hate, we see the ones who hurt us, not as monsters, but as people who themselves are wounded, who feel threatened, who don’t know what else to do with their insecurity but to hurt us, to pull the trigger or pass the policy aimed at us.
But if some of us begin to wonder about them, listen to their stories, we learn that participation in oppression comes at a cost. It cuts them off from their own capacity to love.
This was my second lesson in revolutionary love.
We love our opponents when we tend the wounds in them. Tending to the wound is not healing them. Only they can do that. Just tending to it allows us to see our opponent, the terrorist, the fanatic, the demagogue – they’ve been radicalized by cultures and policies that we together can change."
That realization enabled Valarie to reimagine her way forward:
"I look back on all of our campaigns and I realize that any time we fought bad actors, we didn’t change very much. But when we chose to wield our swords in fields to battle bad systems, that’s when we saw change.
I have worked on campaigns where we released hundreds of people out of solitary confinement, reformed a corrupt police department, changed federal hate crimes policy. The choice to love our opponent is moral and pragmatic and it opens up the previously unimaginable possibility of reconciliation."
She clarifies the journey with an opponent:
"An opponent is any person whose beliefs, words, or actions cause violence, injustice, or harm. “Enemy” implies permanence, but “opponent” is fluid.
We have a range of opponents at any given time, distant and near. Whether they are political or personal, persistent or fleeting, we can practice tending the wound—ours, and if it is safe, theirs.
We can rage in safe containers to process our pain, listen to understand the contexts that enable our opponents to cause harm, and use that information to reimagine cultures and institutions that protect dignity for all of us.
Tending the wound is not only moral but strategic: It is the labor of remaking the world."
Step 3 – Loving Ourselves: Breathe, Push, Transition
Valarie’s son was born at a time when hate crimes against communities seen as “other” were higher than any time since 9/11.
"When white supremacists march in our streets, torches high, hoods off, and I have to recon with the fact that my son is growing up in a country more dangerous for him than the one I was given, there will be moments when I cannot protect him when he is seen as a terrorist."
In reflecting on revolutionary love, she realized that her birth experience provided the playbook for facing the challenges and dangers of our present world.
When she was in labor for the birth of her son, her mother was by her side, coaching her through the process. As she got close to the birth, the contractions become longer, closer together and more intense. This part of labor is called transition.
With each contraction, she felt a powerful urge to push. Her mother coached her through each one, saying, “Breathe, then push.” “Breathe, then push.” Soon, a new life emerged from the womb. Her son was born.
Valarie learned important life lessons from that experience.
"In all of our various labors, we can care for ourselves by remembering the wisdom of the midwife: breathe and push.
We can breathe to draw energy and power into our bodies and let joy in. We can push through fear and pain to become our best selves, including through healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
And in the most convulsive moments of our lives, we can summon our deepest wisdom and find the bravery to transition, undertaking the fiery and life-giving labor of moving from one reality into another. Laboring in love is how we birth the world to come."
At this time, our world is in transition. Valarie asks to consider, as we think about what is happening around us - when the future seems dark:
"Is what we are seeing, the darkness of the tomb or the darkness of the womb?"
Let’s see this time as a great opportunity for us to participate in the birth of a kinder, more compassionate world. Let’s keep finding ways to add more kindness to our part of the world, in whatever way we are guided to add our love to the emerging world.
If we can perceive life as not black and white, this will free us up to not only be more tolerant of other people, but will bring us to a more compassionate and loving way of understanding people. The word and actions of hate are so contrary to being happy in life. Being happy is what is given to us as a free right. It’s a goal that we should try to be mindful of. It is effortless and comes with kindness and forgiveness to ourselves and others. It facilitates ease in our life to enjoy our journey in this body of ours more.