Putting Judgment on Hold

 

"It's not things that upset us, it's our judgment

about things."       

                                           … Epictetus

 

The key is to find ways to see people and accept them as they are.

Sometimes daily interactions can be annoying – a rude comment can trigger a negative feeling.   It’s easy to take offense.

How do we get past our judgment and respond with kindness?

It’s all about the meaning we give to it. We can take offense – or we can choose to see it in a different way.

Shift to Understanding

I heard years ago that the person who takes offense is adding as much negativity to the world as the person who gives offense. That inspired me to look at myself and accept responsibility for my reactions to others.

As I considered my behavior, I realized that I often felt offended by a casual comment that could easily be ignored. Something inside me said, “How dare you speak to me that way.”

Looking back now, I see how easily I was triggered to annoyance. My reaction was about me. I was reacting to the meaning I was giving to the incident, without knowing the circumstances or the intention of the person I felt offended by.

I now understand that the person being rude is probably having a bad day or a life that is daily much more challenging than the one I get to live. I do not know any of the circumstances of their life, but I don’t need to know. I can give them space to over-react by not taking it personally.

Rather than reacting, we could decide not to respond at all, or perhaps a simple kind word would diffuse the situation “You are really busy today,” may bring a smile of relief that someone noticed she was feeling overwhelmed.

Our judgment often shows up when we encounter someone whose life path has been different from our own, and we judge them based on what we would do – with the disadvantage of the limited perspective from our life experiences. We see someone living on the street and it’s easy to judge them. I’ve heard people say, “They’re lazy” or “They’re losers” or “Why don’t they pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”  

How much would it take to stop and realize that they may not have any bootstraps to pull up? They probably don’t have the resources that we have – not just the physical resources, but also the inner resilience that comes from our life experience and the support of family, friends and community.

When given the opportunity, the most compassionate thing we can do is just listen. You might find a gift in hearing other people’s stories. It will open doors to understanding. When we know about someone’s life experience, we gain insights into their current reactions to life.

Like every aspect of our kindness journey, this takes self-awareness and a clear intention to move back from judgment of others.

My self-awareness began years ago with help from my teenage daughter. We had been in a store together, and as I was checking out, the cashier said something that triggered me. I over-reacted. As we went to our car, I noticed that Christie was acting uncomfortable. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had been embarrassed by the way I had reacted.

That was my wake-up call. I thought about the way I interacted with others, and I made a conscious effort to change to a kinder way of being in the world. It takes practice, and we get better at it as we go.

As Father Greg Boyle wrote,

“When judgment ceases to pull all the oxygen out of the room,

an astonishing love takes its place.”

 

That is the goal that I am reaching for – not nearly there yet but making progress.

 

What are your thoughts? Please leave a comment below.

 

Help us spread the message of kindness.

If you know others who might appreciate these ideas, please share below.

 

We’re grateful that you are on this journey with us.

With love from our hearts to yours,

Pat and Larry