How Can We include 'Difficult' People in Our Kindness Circles?
The most rewarding things you do in life are often
the ones that look like they cannot be done.
Arnold Palmer
Can we overcome beliefs that we hold that prevent us from being kind to some people?
It is so easy to exclude people we consider to be risky to engage or unworthy of our kindness, because of ideas that we have about them.
In response to last week’s message, Maxine responded with a question for all of us to consider:
“The following question I pose to all of us is how do we expand our circles to meet with and befriend those who are not in our usual community … who are not easily in our small circles?
Then we can truly do as the song suggests -
I can’t change the whole world,
But I can change the world I know,
What’s within three feet or so.”
Let’s explore this together. I invite you to share your ideas with us by leaving a comment below.
Larry and I have a few ideas that have worked for us in some circumstances, but we still have not found a way to include everyone in our circle of kindness.
Our challenges are people who are always rude or are deliberately hurting others, and people whose actions cause harm to other people and to the planet.
We realized that looking at our personal interactions and national or global issues requires two different approaches. For today, let’s focus on people whom we encounter in our daily lives – within three feet or so.
What Narratives Do I Believe?
What stories do I tell myself about other people? Have I bought into stereotypes that are circulating in our community or in the nation? Are they true? Who am I excluding from my kindness because of those stories in my head?
My fallback example is our unhoused neighbors. Many communities are dealing with the challenge of increasing numbers of homeless folks living on the streets, with nowhere to go.
Negative narratives are being promoted now in this country, and in the world, about the homeless and other marginalized people. As more and more people buy into the ideas of judgment and fear, they get caught up in the narratives.
If we sat down with people who are living on the street and heard their stories, we would understand how they got to this point in their lives. We would be able to turn judgment into compassion, and from that, kindness would flow more easily.
It is time to change the narrative.
Part of your narrative is about who you are and how you fit into your picture of the world. Who do you choose to be?
Ask yourself, “Am I judging this person based on the one worst thing he ever did?” Does that really define who he is? If I knew his life story, I would understand why he is behaving in the way that he is, and I could more easily choose to have compassion for him.
You can change your narrative to reflect that choice.
It might inspire you to respond more positively when you cross paths with someone you had judged in the past. You could begin with a nod of the head and a kind greeting.
It might inspire you to become involved locally or to speak out about an issue that you care about. Now that you understand the larger issues that contribute to homelessness and the need for community involvement in addressing those needs, you might volunteer with a local agency that provides needed services.
This transition happens slowly, and it begins with small steps. No matter how small a change you make, the more of us who join you, the faster we will see a difference in our communities and in the world.
The Power of Not-Knowing
Have you ever noticed that sometimes what you know about someone gets in the way of your being kind?
Perhaps:
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they did something that you don’t approve of, and you can’t let go of it in your mind,
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you made an assumption about them based on the way they first showed up in your life,
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they belong to a political party that you don’t like, so you just know that you could never trust them.
It’s interesting to pay attention to the different ways that I decide who to be kind to and who to avoid. Often it has to do with assumptions that I have made.
Approaching anyone with not-knowing means putting aside the ideas that I hold in my mind and realizing that I don’t know enough about them to judge them fairly. It means that if I knew why they were showing up the way they are right now, I would understand, and I would not judge them so harshly. I would choose to be kind.
This all goes back to remembering who I choose to be in the world. I choose to be kind, not just to do kind things. That is my aspiration, not the automatic reality in my day-to-day activities. I need ways to help my rational mind to accept this rather challenging assignment.
Remembering to see everyone through the not-knowing lens has helped me in several situations where I had strong judgments.
Now, I just assume that if I knew the person’s life story, I would have compassion for them rather than the judgments that jump so easily into my mind. I see them through my not-knowing lens.
This decision arose, in part, out of several experiences with people who are often judged and excluded in our community because of assumptions that people make about them. As my husband, Larry, and I got to know some homeless folks, we heard the stories of their life journeys, and compassion replaced any judgments.
Sometimes, the way someone looks is a trigger for our assumptions. If someone is dressed in shabby clothing with dirty, worn shoes, we may see a person who is poor, too lazy to work, living on our tax money, maybe on drugs. It’s enough to avoid them.
When people from nicer areas of town drive past a trailer park and see people outside, often they assume that they have less value than other people have. That attitude has long been expressed by the ugly term “trailer trash,” as if financial means equals value as a human being.
So many triggers snap us into our judgment mode – a group of teenagers of another race hanging out on a street corner and “acting suspicious”, a drug addict looking spaced out, a man with a mental disability walking by us, muttering out loud
There are so many situations that may trigger our judgments of people whom we see as others. But just how different are they from us? If we had been born into their family and had to walk their life journey, where would we be now. We wouldn’t even be who we are today, because life experience helps to shape us.
Who would we be? How would we handle all the challenges that they have faced from childhood that helped to determine who they are today. We can’t even say, “Oh, if that were me, I would …” You wouldn’t be who you are today, so you don’t know what you would do.
This all brings us back to not-knowing as the way to move with grace and kindness in this world.
Seeing Others Through a Kindness Lens
Most people are kind, but circumstances often determine when and where we express our kindness.
Someone is rude to me.
It is natural for us to respond to other people in the way that they have treated us. Ego jumps in and says, “How dare you talk to me that way?” We allow the behavior of others to determine how we respond, as if kindness were a transaction, something that needs to be earned. When we do that, we give our power away.
I believe that someone doesn’t deserve my kindness.
Our response is often determined by the judgments that we hold about others. It might be homeless people on the street or people who seem to be on drugs. It might be someone we see being rude to other people. It might be someone that we know has a different political view. We each have our own list.
We make it about them, but it is always about us. It is about how we choose to show up in the world.
We can choose to see others through a kindness lens.
Once we make a commitment to ourselves to live with kindness, over time, that becomes who we are. It takes practice.
If someone is rude to me or if I hold judgments about them, I can respond with kindness more easily if I shift the way I see them. I can look at them through a kindness lens. Then, I see them differently. I allow them to be as they are showing up now.
I do not know what’s going on in someone else’s life, but I can give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are dealing with challenges and doing the best they know how to do in this moment.
They do not need to earn my kindness.
When I choose to be kind, I claim my power to be who I want to be in the world. And that choice enriches my life.
We all have that choice. It uplifts our lives and the lives of the people we meet.
We wish you joy on your journey.
Image by Leroy Skalstad from Pixabay
