Let’s Help Our Children To Be Kind
Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people,
more beautiful than perpetual kindness.
Leo Tolstoy
The most important thing we need to do for our children and grandchildren is to provide a place where they feel safe and loved. Everything else we do is to help create that experience for them. Our job is to support and reinforce their natural inclination to be kind.
Our Children are Naturally Loving and Compassionate
My observations, and those of many other parents, support the idea that our children are not just self-centered and insensitive. They are capable of sensitivity and compassion.
When my daughter, Christie, was just a toddler and her vocabulary was still quite limited, on two different occasions, she showed me that she was able to relate to the feelings of others and to respond with empathy.
The first involved the book "Peter Rabbit."
I had read it to her more than once so, even though she could not verbalize it, she knew the story. I was in the kitchen, and she was in the living room looking through the book.
All of a sudden, I realized that she was crying. I went to her to see what was wrong.
There on her lap, the book was opened to the page that showed Peter Rabbit trapped inside Mr. McGregor’s garden. Peter was crying. And Christie was crying with him.
She had never cried when I read her the story, but there she was, sitting alone with Peter Rabbit before her. She reached out to him in her imagination, and he touched her heart.
I comforted her and reminded her that Peter did get out of the garden and go home to his mother. I found the picture of Peter with his mother at the end of the story. Then she looked up at me and smiled.
This was not a self-centered child. She was fully engaged with Peter Rabbit, and she responded with compassion.
I was taken aback. From that moment on, I realized that there was a lot more going on within her than I could even imagine.
The second incident was even more astonishing to me.
Christie was about two. I was pregnant with my son, David, and very happy at the thought of having another child.
But one day, as happens with pregnant women, I was feeling sad - for no apparent reason. I was lying on the couch on my side, watching Christie play on the carpet near me.
All of a sudden, she looked at me, stood up and walked over to the couch. Then she did one of the most tender, loving things anyone has ever done for me. She put her cheek down on my cheek and held it there for several seconds.
It was a gesture of such love and compassion that it brought tears to my eyes.
All of our children have such wonderful gifts to share with us. How do we create a safe, loving environment that will support them and enable them to grow into emotionally healthy adults?
Creating a Kind Family
Of course, we want them to grow up being kind. We do that by modeling kindness in our interactions with them, considering what we can do to help them to feel safe, welcomed and appreciated.
Express appreciation.
“Thank you” is a way to say that you appreciate something kind that your child did. The message is strengthened by a specific response that acknowledges your child's thoughtfulness, such as “I love these flowers” in response to a handful of dandelions picked in the yard.
The more we thank them, the more children find ways to be kind.
As they get older and contribute to household chores, we often forget to acknowledge their contributions. It means a lot to hear words of appreciation for what they do to keep the household running.
Give them opportunities to contribute.
Young children are naturally helpful. They want to be a part of what we are doing, and they feel good when they help.
I had always encouraged my son and daughter to help at home. Christie was in fifth grade and David was in second grade when the three of us were on our own, and then it became more important that they help around the house.
That time of transition gave me an opportunity to upgrade our relationship. We became a team.
Give them a voice in decision-making.
I wanted them to feel that their ideas mattered, so I began having weekly family meetings. It gave me a chance to check in with them and for them to have a say in family matters. We talked about what was going well and where they needed help. We planned our weekend activities together.
At first, I expected them to keep their rooms neat and to help with light chores. As they got older, we decided together how to keep the household running smoothly.
I made a list of all the chores that needed to be done daily and weekly. Christie offered to take notes. Then we discussed how to assign chores. Christie liked indoor activities and David liked yard work, so that part was easy.
They came up with the idea of placing a difficulty rating on each chore based on how long it took, how difficult it was, and, also, the “yuckiness factor.” You can imagine that cleaning the bathroom was yucky. David said that trimming back the hedge of pyracantha bushes along the wall in the backyard also qualified, because they we full of long, sharp thorns.
It took a while to rate all the chores and to distribute them in as fair a way as possible. Of course, I had mine, too. We agreed to rotate between us those that no one wanted.
I monitored how well everything got done, and we revisited the schedule during our weekly meetings, making adjustments as needed.
We also decided on house rules together:
-
to talk politely to each other and not to raise our voices in the house.
-
to do homework and chores before play.
-
to be home by curfew – the times changed as they got older.
-
to call if we were going to be late.
-
Consequences if we broke a rule - they decided those themselves.
All the rules applied to me, also. One evening I was late coming home because I had an evening presentation as part of my job, and I had forgotten to call Christie. She had already prepared supper for her and David, but this was before cell phones, so she had no idea what happened to me.
When I walked in two hours late, she stood with her hands on her hips and told me, “You’re grounded.” I laughed and agreed, and I did not go out that weekend. Fairness is also a part of kindness.
As I look back on my parenting years, I remember the challenges, but mostly, I remember the joy of the journey that I shared with two kind and wise young people who helped me to become who I am today.
Wherever you are on your journey, we wish you love and joy.
Image by Joshua Choate from Pixabay
