Kindness is a Path, Not an Event

Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people,

 more beautiful than perpetual kindness

                        … Leo Tolstoy

Every morning, as Larry and I enjoy our coffee and tea, we talk about whatever is on our minds and hearts – a dream from the night before, something we read and want to share, where we are on our kindness journey. We often discuss ways to expand our kindness practice.

Earlier this week, I asked Larry to talk about his experience of kindness at this point in his life. His ideas inspired me, and I want to share them with you.

He talked about waking up in the morning, seeing his day filled with kindness – giving and receiving it. Understanding the transformative power of kindness, he expressed a desire “to transform myself and the world by adding more love to the world.”

That is an uplifting intention. We feel good when we smile or say a kind word to someone we meet or help a person in need. We talked about how to let more people into our circle of compassion. That means exploring ways to overcome the resistance we sometimes feel to reach out with kindness when we are presented with an opportunity.

What gets in the way?

Sometimes, we’re just focused on what we’re doing, so we pass by others without noticing them. We all do that. It’s part of our daily life. But when we are conscious of being in the presence of others, it feels good to look at them and smile, as a way of acknowledging them. Often, we get a smile back, and a connection has been made, if only for a moment.

That is the easy kindness, but how do we find ways to overcome the resistance we sometimes feel to reach out with kindness at other times.

Larry talked about times he wished he had responded but failed to bring kindness to a situation. He may have been too busy to stop and offer help, or he lacked the courage to reach out, not knowing how the person would respond. Now, he’s trusting his inner guidance and he is more likely to begin a conversation when his gut tells him “It’s ok.” He’s found that sometimes humor, is a good way to begin a conversation.

Often, the obstacle to kindness is the judgments we hold. It is harder to be kind when the other person is being rude or unkind, either to us or to others. Sometimes we have judgments because of what we know about them – perhaps their actions in the past or different political views that set up a wall between us before we get to know each other.

We each have our list of the things that make it harder to feel kind. With any thought or feeling, we experience the energy – whether positive or negative – and send that energy out to the world around us. So, holding a negative feeling about someone has an impact on us and on them. Knowing that is an incentive to be more aware of our thoughts and to give people space to show up as they are in that moment, without needing to approve or disapprove.

This is a challenge for most of us. We are exposed to so much of what is going on in the world that we frequently get triggered. With incomplete information, we can make assumptions about someone that causes us to respond with anger, and that sometimes gets out of control.

 A Powerful Challenge for Me

A video went viral last week, showing a man in a pick-up truck trying to hit a homeless man and his cat. The man was quite shaken by the attack and his cat was almost killed. If the driver had known the man – if he knew the man’s story – he may not have wanted to harm him and might have reached out to help. This incident demonstrates one price we pay for the disconnection in our society and the underlying anger that erupts, even with no apparent cause.

So, what can we offer in response? Certainly not demonizing the driver of the truck. Just as he did not know the homeless man’s story, we do not know his. We don’t know the state of his mental health or what beliefs he grew up with or what life experiences contributed to his rage.

I admit that I did not respond with compassion for him. Only time brought me to a larger perspective. Now I see both men as victims of a larger societal disfunction. By responding to acts of hate and anger by others with our own anger and judgment, we are contributing to the already toxic mix. So how do we rise above it?

I think of guidance that Larry and I both received years ago, to be in the world but not of the world. This is an opportunity to practice that. It is easy to get pulled into societal thinking, which is full of judgments that divide us. But we see how much harm comes from that. So how do we rise above those judgments?

One way to do that is to wonder about people instead of judging them – being curious to know more about them, and remembering our kinship, even when we don’t know each other. Then it is easier to tune back into the transformative power of love and live with kindness and compassion.

We each get to decide how to do this.

Larry summed it up beautifully – kindness is a path, not an event. He suggested that we grow into a 24/7 consciousness of kindness, rather than seeing kindness as situational. That means noticing people he would not normally talk to and looking for a kind way to connect.

For us, the underlying truth is our essential kinship. Remembering that makes the rest easier.

We were first introduced to the concept of the circle of compassion by Father Gregory Boyle, whose life work has been with former gang members. He has a powerful message of kinship and compassion, and this video will give you a brief glimpse into his journey and his heart.

Stories of Kinship and Compassion - Gregory Boyle

What are your thoughts? If these ideas spoke to you, please share this post and leave a comment below.

We’re grateful that you are on this journey with us.

With love from our hearts to yours,

Pat and Larry