When Does Kindness Require Us to Act?
The opposite for courage is not cowardice,
it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow.
Jim Hightower
Living with kindness is a way of being in the world that is rewarding and uplifts our spirits. As we offer a smile and kind words, others respond favorably. When we reach out to help someone in need, everyone involved is uplifted by the encounter.
But sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that is asking us to step out of our comfort zone. It may require us to speak out or take action when others around us are not willing to do so. Something inside of us knows that our response could make a difference, but we are reluctant to help.
This is called “the bystander effect.” When the situation calls for action, but no one else is helping, it is easier to be influenced by the group thinking. We can tell ourselves, “It is none of my business” or “Someone else could help, why should it be me?”
This is a common occurrence, and it was dramatically demonstrated in a video I watched this week.
In the video, actors present different scenarios to test the responses from the public. We are not surprised when a seemingly drunk man lying on the sidewalk gets ignored. No one stops or even seems to notice him. Later, when a scruffy-looking man lying on his side and clearly in pain calls out for someone to help him, people simply ignore him, as well.
In another scenario in the same location, a well-dressed man sits down on the sidewalk with his head in his hands, and almost immediately, someone stops and asks him if he is okay. Then others gather around him, with a group response of kindness.
I was surprised to see that when a respectably dressed woman is seemingly unconscious, for several minutes, people just walk past her. Finally, someone stops to help, and another woman, who had walked past her and looked back, also joined in. It seems that some people need someone else to indicate the proper response before they will help.
We seem to live by two contradictory rules: We ought to help someone in need and we ought to do what everyone else is doing. With the crowd mentality, we allow a group of strangers to set the precedent not to help someone in need. When several other people have noticed and done nothing, we are more likely to do nothing as well.
If one person responds in a caring way, however, others often join in. It takes just one person who has the courage to break from the crowd, deciding to do the right thing, whether others show up or not. When we find ourselves in a situation like this, we are challenged to expand our kindness practice.
In another video, we see other examples:
The Bystander Effect - Why Some People Act and Others Don't
Kelly Charles-Collins talks about situations in which people are afraid to intervene, because it may put them in danger. In that case, calling others to help might bring a collective response. If there is no way to intervene, recording the incident on your phone could be helpful later. But if someone else is in danger, Kelly says, just ignoring it or becoming a passive bystander is not just lack of action. It is indifference.
She tells a true story from her own life. Her son Jordan had just finished eating in a restaurant when he was approached by cops and violently handcuffed and arrested. Out of a crowd of witnesses, one woman stood up for him, repeating over an over that he had done nothing wrong – at risk to herself. In the investigation that followed and in the court hearing, her testimony changed the outcome in his favor.
Kelly also talked about the bystander effect in social media, which allows us to interact, but also enables us to bully others. She shared research that shows that between 10 and 40 percent of adolescents are victims of cyber bullying, and 70% of adults have witnessed some form of online harassment. Most people simply receive those posts, but even when they are uncomfortable, say nothing..
She gave an example of a woman who witnessed a girl being raped, and instead of trying to help, she took a video of it and later, posted it on social media. Her video was liked and shared. It became entertainment. Kelly asks a question we all need to consider. “When did we become numb to all of this?”
This is an opportunity for kindness to step up.
Crime and cyber bullying have become entertainment, and we seem to have lost our empathy for people being victimized. The group mentality of people who don’t even know each other lends itself to the bystander effect. We can always choose not to go along. We can speak up and give voice to our disgust at what we are seeing. Others may need to see someone else object in order for them to have the courage to take a stand as well.
When we find ourselves in one of these situations, we want to be kind, but we’re not sure what the consequences will be if we do. How do we have the courage to go from being a bystander to being an active witness?
I have come to believe that there is a reason for whatever shows up in my life. With that realization, these situations seem like an opportunity to expand my comfort zone, and I am more likely to step up and take whatever action seems to be needed.
I remember that kindness is love in action. I ask myself, “What would Love do?” “What would I want someone else to do if that were me or someone that I love needing help?”
A kind intervention can bring a positive outcome to a painful situation. It uplifts us, the person we help, and anyone who witnesses our act of kindness. When people have witnessed someone else’s kindness, they are more likely to intervene the next time they are called upon to help another person. There can be a ripple effect from one act of courage.
We are all learning as we continue our kindness journeys. Sometimes, we make choices that we later wish we had not. That’s part of the journey, and each experience helps us to decide how we want to take the next step.
When we do have the courage to take kind action, we become stronger, and those around us see a possibility for their own lives.
I wish you peace, love and courage on your journey.
What are your thoughts? If these ideas spoke to you, please share this post and leave a comment below.
We’re grateful that you are on this journey with us.
With love from our hearts to yours,
Pat and Larry
